The Cat as Entomologist

It is time to clear up a few persistent myths about ants, ant behavior, ant methodologies, and cats. The Cat has studied this extensively over the past several summers, and has come to the following conclusions:

There are several distinct kinds of ants. One kind is very small, about the size of two 10 pt Times periods stacked together and wiggling. About like this >> .. Those ants are difficult to herd. They taste all right. They are called sugar ants since they are attracted by anything sweet. They travel in swarms instead of lines, aren't very bright, and are too small to get into Combat ant traps full of sweet peanut buttery stuff. They make a bit too much noise.

The second kind is gunmetal gray and about the size of a rhinoceros. They are easy to herd, and taste terrible, though they are low-carb and high in protein. They travel in pairs and steal old inoperable VCRs, forgotten waffle irons, and cassette decks. They crush patio furniture and eat anything not nailed down. They are called soldier ants since they dig trenches in the floor, wield automatic weapons, and scare the human servants. They are too big to get into Combat ant traps full of sweet peanut buttery stuff.

The third kind is red and about the size of me, The Cat. They are stealth ants. Ninja ants. They bite, sting, refuse to be herded, and travel in highly organized squadrons with clearly labeled leaders. They coat themselves with foul-tasting camouflage paint to avoid pre-attack detection. They are silent but deadly, and terrify the human servants. They are to be eliminated on sight. They can enter and exit Combat ant traps with ease, but choose not to do so.

Contrary to popular belief, ants can cross lines of cinnamon, baby powder or mint. They do not hate water and can swim better than I can. They are not banished by chasing or howling but will leave when bored. They use ant powder like my human servants use Fritos, a nice snack but not necessary.

In conclusion, ants are everywhere at all times. The human servants get worried when -they- can see the ants or when I sound the alert that the ants are visible. Other times, the ants are there but stay safely out of sight. Part of my job, as The Cat, is to let the human servants know when it is time for them to panic and haul out the cinnamon shaker.