The Cat Decrees..

Bast (or Bastet, depending on your moment of antiquities) and any of her descendants (hitherto known as The Cat) decrees her pets (hitherto known collectively and individually as You) shall have opposable thumbs and the ability to operate door knobs, can openers and cameras.

You shall at all times maintain the appearance of unlimited wealth, which is to be spent without hesitation to acquire toys that The Cat shall ignore completely, preferring instead to bask in the glory of the empty container and styrofoam popcorn packing in which the toys arrive.

You shall, on demand, be smitten by the smallest face rubbing or apparent act of kindness, including but not limited to tail swishes, verbalizations which You must translate to human terms,

You shall, without question or pause, grant unlimited window access. It is for your own protection that the exterior of the domicile may be watched at all times (at the discretion of The Cat.

You shall provide and maintain pristine living conditions, including litter boxes of The Cat's choosing. You shall also provide 24/7 maid service, for the purposes of retrieval and proper disposal of fuzz, fur, hairballs and similarly undigested pieces of blanket, carpet, afghan and rug.

You shall provide and maintain at all times a fully functioning laser pointer, which shall be deployed on demand until such time as the bouncy red light fails to amuse The Cat. During this time, You shall cajole and attempt to persuade The Cat to play, using high pitched tones and soft words.

You shall provide an appropriate variety of canned, pouch, wet and dry food, selected for its balanced nutritional integrity and scientifically designed for The Cat's ultimate health, knowing full well this food will be picked over and then ignored. You shall then provide whatever is in that can over there. Preferably tuna.

You shall offer a full array of human food on demand, including pizza. The Cat may choose not to consume the offerings but the offer must be made before You are allowed to eat. That includes pizza. Really.

You shall provide a fully functional lap. When occupied, that lap is to remain motionless until such time as The Cat chooses to move. Ear rubs and face scratches are to be deployed when and if The Cat requests or initiates said affections. A soft bristled brush is to be kept within arm's reach at all times.

The Cat reserves the right to add to these rules and decrees at The Cat's discretion.

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